Day 1

Today is a new day. How often do we say that to ourselves? Too much? Not enough? I guess I really believe despite her neurosis and self-centered actions that Scarlet had it right, "Tomorrow is a new day...I'll think about it tomorrow." The only difference is that tomorrow eventually becomes today. So, it is time.

Yesterday offered me a change in my life. I had a doctor's appointment and was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). In many ways, this diagnosis was a huge relief to me. I had gained a lot of weight sometime over the last two years and couldn't pinpoint why. When I stepped on the scale and realized that I had gained 40 lbs, I was shocked and thoroughly depressed. The last weight I had known myself to be was post-baby/post-breastfeeding average of 183. Granted, that isn't the best weight for my 5'10 frame, no matter the width of my shoulders or cup size, but it was pretty normal for me. But to suddenly be 225 was insane! I had only gone up one pant size that I knew (though that had been the point when I realized something was wrong).

Unfortunately or fortunately, my broad frame spreads out weight gain pretty evenly which slowed my recognition of the problem. I knew my curves had become less apparent, but I really didn't see it very much. I admit that I had warning signs that I ignored, like when I couldn't get my wedding ring back on. I made excuses for each sign though. I decided that it was too warm out and my fingers were just swollen.

Food is not my issue. Let me say that now. Do I enjoy food? Yes. I have a weakness for brownies and ice cream (though not together and I don't often indulge). I am a healthy eater in general with occasional splurges on fast food or a Like It from Cold Stone Creamery. We all have our weaknesses. I eat lean meat, high-fiber pasta, tons of veggies and I avoid fried foods. I often get complaints from hubby that there is no snack food in the house, but that is how I prefer it. If I have to take the time to make brownies or some other unhealthy concoction, I have time to talk myself out of it if I don't really want it.

Despite all that, here I am: 40 lbs higher than my highest weight. A wonderful friend of mine started a Facebook group for people who need support in losing weight. Because of that group, I managed to do 3 months of running on the Couch to 5k with lots of support. I stopped one day when the frustration of an un-moving scale just depressed me too much. The selfish philosopher rages. But the group has been amazing for me. We all lapse, we all struggle and we all have people to pick us up.

So, here I am. I have PCOS and I'm fat. I need to change for myself and for my health. I will take daily meds to help the PCOS and I will further watch my eating in the same way a diabetic does. If I don't, I will possibly become diabetic, and I don't want that. My grandmother and aunt are diabetic and struggle with issues from it. I am healthy despite the weight. I don't have most of the symptoms of PCOS and in that I am lucky. I'm lucky a friend suggested I ask my doctor about it and I'm lucky that the doctor I have followed through on my tests. I can start anew with hope towards looking better and feeling better. I've never been a super-model and I'm okay with that. I just want to be more in control of what's going on with me. I want to build a better me and this is where I start. Today.